can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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