I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
zippers are such a cool invention
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
