He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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