Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
