I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
