I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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