my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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