there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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