I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
