we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
