Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
