Who did Billy Mays play for?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
