We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
