I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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