How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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