i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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