Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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