I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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