Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My ass is underappreciated
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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