winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
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He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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