I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
