called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
