I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
