What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
