And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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