you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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