don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
