Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Can I color on your dick again?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
