I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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