Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
