I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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