Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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