I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
