im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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