She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
