Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
