yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
