I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
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Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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