just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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