you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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