the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Someone came in the potted fern
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
