He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
