Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
