this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
