I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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