Moan for me like Helen Keller
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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