she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
