why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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