He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
