Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
