Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
