he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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